first time parent

As the title of this blog states I am a first time parent, sure I've been around kids all my life but its nothing like having your own. Its not like I can give the kid back to where it came from, she stays with me all day 24/7. It is nothing like I thought, now I never had the illusion that I would be able to give back my daughter and go on my merry way. Was I nervous at any time during my wife's pregnancy? Of course, there are plenty of questions that ran through my mind and as many people that know me know, I am a thinker and constantly play with ideas in my mind. So you can imagine how many scenarios passed through my head at all times of the day. Will she love me instantly? Will the love have to be earned? Will the love be unconditional? Will I love her unconditional? Will I love her instantly? As a first time father a lot of dads will ask the same questions and that is perfectly ok. You will always second guess yourself and always question if your doing a good job or not. The important thing is that you don't psych yourself out.

So here it is, the moment of truth, March 6, 2010. Will I cry, will I faint, will I run out of the room in pure hysteria? All of the preparation in the world could not get me ready and mentally prepared for what was about to happen. The doctor comes in, I don't remember what they are called, but she came in nonetheless, and it wasn't just one it was a whole gang of them all waiting to see what it was we created. So Maya Leilani was born and I'm waiting for my reaction to take place when nothing happened. Absolutely nothing happened, no reaction not even a blank face. It was as if I was just a spectator who didn't understand what was going on. I was there, my heart was there, my mind was there, but surprisingly no reaction. At this moment I thought I had my first failure as a parent. I mean come on, I didn't show any type of emotion, my wife was crying my wife's cousin was crying and I'm pretty sure one of the doctors was crying. I felt at the time that I should have shown some type of emotion, every one of my friends who is a father or my father have told me of all of the outpouring of emotions they felt at the time of the birth so by all accounts I thought I would have an outpouring of emotions and I didn't, not yet.

I did in fact show emotion, I showed it right when she was given to me. I was taken to the nursery and was able to bond with her for those brief moments. That is when it hit me, I am a father, I have a daughter and my life as I know it changed completely, for the better of course. It is not all about me anymore, every decision I make now has consequences for my daughter, and to be honest I wouldn't have it any other way. Now I am a ball of emotions, every night she sleeps I can't help but stare at her and wonder what she thinks of me and dreams of. She makes me laugh everyday and couldn't imagine not having her in my life.

So if your gonna be a first time father and your not sure if your ready or not sure if your good enough or if your worry is that your child will not love you, get that idea out of your head cause everything you thought will go out the window in a hurry. Enjoy being a father it is one of the greatest titles you can ever have, and don't worry you will be fine, it really does come naturally.

Cloth Daddy